Here goes nothin',

After 10 years of being basically healthy, I'm going under the knife. It's weird when I really think about it, so I'm trying not to!

I have ruptured a disk. I have no idea how it happened or when, but it happened. A fragment of the disk is now resting on the L5/S1 nerve root. I don't really know what that means except that I'm in constant pain, but it sounds professional of me, doesn't it? The doc says that although it's pretty bad, it could mend itself but would take possibly 6 months or more. I told him I didn't think I had 6 months to invest. I have four kids, a husband, a household, and a full time job. Does that sound like someone that has time to hurt for 6 months or more?

Everyone has advice, bless them, good and not so good. I finally told Ken that I wanted to just have my surgery alone and get over it without anyone interfering. For those of you who offered kind words, thank you. For those of you that said something horrible, I forgive you. For future reference, don't tell someone who is having back surgery under general anesthesia that your aunt had that same surgery and went into a coma, only waking up weeks later to realize she could no longer walk. I'm sure you just meant to be a blessing.

I have realized through the pain that I am tremendously blessed with some good friends. I've had offers of meals, transportation for the kids, and most importantly, prayers. God is so good. My family is wonderful, and I must brag on my husband and kids. Although he acts like it's killing him sometimes, my hubby has picked up so many loose ends and has been so very helpful. My girls? Gosh... I just can't say enough. They have done chore after chore, being asked and not being asked, and when I ask they don't balk one bit. Who raised these kids anyway? It's a time when I'm thankful to have 4 independent, well-adjusted daughters. Did I mention that God is so good?

So, now I head into the great unknown. I have a week to prepare. I think I will lie here. Well, that, and I'll boss the fam around to let them know what needs to be done before I go. They don't have much to worry with though, and the surgery will only be outpatient. If you have some encouraging words, thanks. If you have an unfortunate aunt, please keep that to yourself.

Ouch..

This has been the strangest week! It all started as a simple ache in my left hip, just a little over a week ago. By Sunday, I was pushing myself to go to church, but decided I couldn't teach my Junior High girls' class through tears. On my way to church, I called Ken to let him know I was dropping off the girls and returning home.

I was in a lot of discomfort by the time I got home. I just couldn't get comfortable at all. I knew that a visit to Dr. Hess was in store for Monday. It was the first doctor visit for me since 2009, so that tells you how rare it is for me to have to handle illness. This pain was reminiscent of my worst psoriatic arthritis flares, and actually even worse.

Dr. Hess immediately felt that I had a rotated pelvis and did a little therapy on me while suggesting some exercises. He gave me Lortab to help ease the pain until it subsided, and I went on my merry way.

Long story longer, I found myself Tuesday evening with intense pain down my leg with parts of my lower leg numb, and eventually no feeling at all in my foot. Walking was horrible, sitting was nearly impossible, and lying down was tolerable but still painful. It looked like another visit was in store for me.

Well, Wednesday Dr. Hess decided that it was time for an MRI. His main concern was the loss of strength in my leg and lack of feeling in my foot. He mentioned a bulging disk, threw out the words "spinal consult" and "surgery". I was relieved when he threw out the word "prednisone" because I knew that would bring some help for the swelling, hopefully easing the pain.

I'm hanging in there. Walking is the worst part. My leg gives out occassionally, and that's freaking me out a little. I'm not walking much though. Walking in pain is just too humbling and exhausting to do in public right now. I'm hoping for a simple explanation, pain relief, and the feeling back in my leg and foot. I look forward to getting back to life as usual next week, or so I hope. I trust that the Lord has it all under control, and there was a reason He wanted me to be still and listen to Him this week. I've tried my very best to take it all in, just so I don't miss anything that He may want me to catch.

Through all the pain, it's been restful and reflective. It's been really cool to have friends praying for me. I've had to let go of letting everyone down this week and having others pick up the slack, and I've had to just deal with things as best I can. My family is cool and tolerant, my friends are kind and encouraging, and my God is still in control. Now if I can just be still in that MRI machine....

Help!!

I've been robbed! It crept in like a thief in the night, and it robbed me. Right under my nose, it was gone in a flash. Something stole my joy.

I didn't even realize what had happened until my pastor pointed it out to me, along with the rest of the congregation, Sunday. It explained everything -- the exhaustion, the stress, the difficulty, the pain... It had been snatched right out from under my nose!

I am a joyful person. Anyone that has been around me for any amount of time sees that joy just naturally flows out of me. However, anyone who has been around me lately that really knows me, and you know who you are, could tell very quickly that I was straining to muster that joy up to the surface. When it isn't flowing out naturally, it takes a lot of work and takes a lot out of me.

I have been drained. I have been flat worn out. I have felt trapped by circumstances that really aren't that bad, but that have managed to take control of my life, sapping me of everything I have. It's almost like my hope had floundered, when in reality I lost my focus.

You see, our circumstances don't control our joy. I know this, but I needed to be reminded of it. Our happiness is many times dependent on our circumstances, although I am also a big believer in being in control of our happiness no matter what. Joy, on the other hand, comes from the Lord. It is a natural out-flowing of what He is doing in our lives. When we lose the focus of the bigger picture of what God has for us, we can let that joy slip deeper within us, almost as if it gets covered up by the other gunk in our lives. (And I, like most of you, have plenty of gunk.)

I have rarely allowed the gunk to take over. I am not a person who allows very much to take over the joy in my life. This has happened another time in my life when I was overwhelmed with moving to South Carolina, my health was bad, and I was trying to keep up with 4 small children without any help. This time, it has been more vague. It has been a slow culmination of things that have finally weighed me down. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back is my most recent exhaustion. Fortunately, God knew I needed a word, an out loud word, and I heard it loud and clear Sunday.

My hope has been renewed. My priorities have been re-shuffled. I am taking control back from the gunk, and I'm handing it back over to the Lord. I reset the security system of my life, and I'm not letting that robber steal my joy again.

There comes a time...

There is a time in everyone's life when something, or things, causes them to step back and reflect on where they have been and where they are going. At the risk of repeating myself, I am right there once again.

Several things have started coming together lately, or I at least feel like they are beginning to. Ken's job is good, he seems to be appreciated there, bills are being paid, and there is a sliver of hope that things are going to improve financially. (I may even get a car with air conditioning and heat within the next few weeks!) I have a new job, which I really enjoy other than the night shift thing, and I'm beginning to feel older (and comfortable with it) and somehow ready to move into another phase of my life, whatever that is.

With all of this, I have realized that I'm letting some things get by me, and I'm not really doing what I want to do with my life. My dream, for those that don't know me very well, is to write. The challenge has always been knowing how to take the first step. I was blessed enough to be a newspaper writer for a time a while back, and it was a real kick to see my name in print. It was more of a kick knowing that I was earning money, however little it was, doing something that I loved so much. Now, mind you, I love my job as a medical secretary, but writing is my passion. How many people get paid for doing what they are passionate about? Not very many. Why? Is it because they haven't tried? Is it because they let life keep them caught up in the cat and mouse game of making ends meet? Is it simply reserved for those who are passionate enough to actually make it happen?

Moreover, am I one of those that is passionate enough to make it happen? So far in my life, I've done very little to make anything happen, things just happen TO me or FOR me. (Which I'm grateful for.) What if I suddenly took life by the horns and MADE things happen? Now, if I just knew where to begin....

A most wonderful quality...

My kids are joyful. They really inspire me. I would venture to bet that not many parents could say this. It's interesting to see how they are joyful in different ways and for different reasons. Some of this is due to age, and some is due to just general life situation.

The youngest girls just may not know any better, but they seem to find joy in most situations. In fact, when they are most getting on my nerves, I remind myself that it is their sheer joy that is causing me discomfort. I do sometimes have to reel them in a bit, but to have that uninhibited joy and energy around is infectious. Nothing in particular has to happen to bring out this joy, because it just burst out of them in every day situations.

My "middle" child has a more quiet joy. It's like something that is lurking under the surface, just waiting to explode at any moment. She has great self control, much more than I do, even when it comes to her joy. However, it's there, and it's obvious, and it has a great affect on those around her. Her joy is most evident when she is just being plain silly, and she can be silly with the best of us. I also see that joy ooze out of her when she is working with young children. She glows when she has the opportunity to inspire a young life, and this in turn inspires those around her.

My oldest daughter has a joy that leaves her able to deal with things maturely. It puts things in perspective for her. It comes along with a faith that God is in control in all things. She has less self control than her younger sister, and she is more likely to lay things on the line. Different things bring her joy as well. For one, her music brings out the joy in her life. Anyone who has watched her and heard her sing will tell you this. Also, seeing God place the puzzle pieces of her life together makes her burst with joy. Being content in choices she makes because of her confidence in God's plan for her just lays that joy right out there.

Ironically, my kids bring out the joy in my life. There are other things that do it too, but the girls are a big part of it. I don't do a very good job of letting them know that many times, because life is so darn crazy, stressful, and fast. I hope to do a better job at this in 2011. When someone has such a profound affect on your life, you really should let them know about it.

Okay, I give,

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions. In fact, I've always thought it was dumb. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment most times, as you strive to accomplish something you failed to do the previous year. This year, however, I'm giving in.

My resolution this year is to live. I don't mean to survive day to day, or to not die in 2011, but I'm going to LIVE. So much of my life has been spent in routine, guilting myself out of what I would really like to do, and this year I'm not letting that get me.

I want to travel. No, I can't afford it, but I'm going somewhere this year. There are a lot of places I've always wanted to see, and I intend to mark one of those off my list this year. Even if it's only for a weekend, I'm going for it.

I'm going to work so hard that I don't feel guilty for getting something for myself every once in a while. I avoid buying myself underwear because I think that the money could be spent on something more pressing. (But what could be more pressing than replacing 5-10 year old underwear?) I may even have a pedicure or two. Yes, I could do it myself, but darnit I don't think it will kill me to have someone else treat me a time or two.

Maybe I'm feeling selfish, or maybe I'm just at a point in my life that I'm realizing it's passing me by. I tend to not grab days by the horns and make them into what I want them to be. Too many times I fall victim to what the day brings. Not this year. I'm tired of living by some weird made up standard that's in my head. Heck, this may just be the year I finally get my tattoo.

Jesus didn't sit around trying to follow rules. He grew His hair long, wore comfy clothes, and hung out with his friends. He enjoyed a good party. (I'm so messed up, because this makes me think of a line in a movie about Jesus in a tuxedo shirt saying "I'm here to party".) He loved others and spent time investing in them. I'm not being disrespectful, I'm just saying that Jesus didn't let anyone tell Him how He was supposed to live. He was just connected enough to His Father to be confident in what is right and wrong.

As long as I stay connected to my Father, and that is one thing I plan to work harder at this year, I don't think it's a bad thing for me to just live life. A friend of mine said that she knows a lady that works in a nursing home, and the lady was telling her that the patients she talks to that lived life to the fullest never had regrets. It's the ones that never did things they wanted to do that were saddened by the thought of never having the chance again. This had a profound affect on me. What a joy it would be to look back at my life and say that I didn't leave anything undone. I don't know if that is even possible, but I'm going to start giving it a good fighting try this year.

Here we are, once again...

Christmas has come and gone, and another year is about to come to a close. It's weird how as we get older, the years tick by as mere blips on the radar. The end of the year causes me to be reflective, but it also makes me hopeful for another year to come.

In years past, I had the bright idea that we should have a theme going into January 1st. I believe 2003 was the first one, at least that I can remember. "Become Debt Free in 2003"! Oh please. Don't make me cuss. "Expecting More in 2004" was our next bright idea. How'd that work out for us? NOT TOO GOOD.

So, in 2005, we decided to shoot a little lower.... "Stay Alive in 2005". Praise God! It was one that we accomplished! I don't take it lightly either. It was a lesson learned. Aim low, and you leave less room for disappointment.

So for 2011, I'm wondering what my theme should be? Some things that crossed my mind are.... "Better Than '07, It's 2011" (wouldn't take much).... "New Engines are Revvin' in 2011" (I need a CAR!)... "Let's Make It 7 in 2011".... (Wait for it... Wait for it... and THAT'S A BIG FAT NO.)

I'm thinking an appropriate shot would be "Taking More to Heaven in 2011". I've been pondering a lot about lost people lately, and how I need to live a better witness. Maybe this theme can be my motivation to share with lost souls the hope that Jesus Christ brings to my life. I plan to return to West Virginia in the Summer of 2011 for a "mission trip", but in the mean time, I should be more aware of those around me. I've really fallen down on my job this year. In fact, confession time, I have spent less time in my Bible this year than in a very long time. (I hate for my Junior High girls' Sunday School class to hear that, but I'm going to do better!) Yep, I could say that I've just been busier, but that would not necessarily be true. Fact is, I've been slack. As a result I feel disconnected, almost like I'm wandering around looking for something that is lost. I mean, I can still obviously feel God working in my life, but I haven't done a very good job holding up my end of that relationship. I want to be a good example, and not one of an attempt at perfection. I want to be an example of simple humanity with a dedication and dependence on Christ. It's time that I step up to the plate.

So maybe a more appropriate theme for the upcoming year would be "More Aware of Heaven in 2011". That covers more bases really. I hope it will harken back to the great year of 2005, when we all managed to stay alive.... Come to think of it, that would be another goal for the year that I would certainly like to accomplish.