Haven't been here in quite a while, as you see, and I don't have a real good explanation why. You would think with the Summer off, I would just find loads of time to talk about wonderful and awesome things, but instead I have found myself in what some would call a "funk". My mind seems to be cloudy, and I'm quite tired all the time. Stress maybe? I just can't imagine.
I revert back to the mission trip... They are always life changing experiences. It's a week on a high, serving Jesus with everything you've got, surrounded by others serving Jesus with everything they've got, and immersed in God all the way around. You vow before leaving that things will be different when you get home, but then you get home. Nothing is different.
There is still laundry to do, meals to cook, housework, children arguing, money worries, schedules to keep, and people to please. You may have a different outlook, but you are no longer surrounded by people with that different outlook. You are now back in the real world, with real world problems. It's like suddenly the world has shifted on its axis.
I thought I was prepared for this, and I even spent time in prayer about it in the days before leaving the mission trip. I begged the Lord to just give me the ability to bring what I learn home. I asked him to let me return to a peaceful world. Also, because I'm not at all naive, I prayed that God would give me wisdom and strength to deal with it all when I did return.
I've struggled though. I am so very thankful for what I have and the loved ones in my life, and I never want that to be questioned at all. It's just hard to crash from that high of just seeing the Lord work constantly throughout 7 days dedicated to sharing Him with others. It must be much like coming down from the high of a drug. I have no idea what that is like, but it couldn't be much different from what I'm going through.
My legs feel heavier. I sleep hard and for long periods. I smile less frequently. I easily become emotional. I frequently feel lonely. I can't imagine anyone else understanding the feeling.
Don't ever think that I'm unhappy to return to my family. I truly don't know what I'd do without the joy and love of my children. I just long to be closer to Him again. I long for that peace that I felt when I closed the door to that prayer room. I wish for that high that I felt when I was loving someone in Jesus' name. I listen for the joyful voices all around me laughing, sharing that common bond of ministry. Instead, I slowly reenter the society of busyness. I take a deep breath and press on through the daily grind. I close my eyes to pray at night, only to fall asleep from the exhaustion of parenthood.
How do we continue in that joy of immersion in the Spirit of the Lord? How do we muster the energy to do what we're called to do in addition to our day to day life? God is showing me, and I am listening. So, if I'm not blogging, just know that when I've trudged through all of this, there should be a blog or two (or a hundred) on the other side of it.