In memory...

Our family has lost a vital member. The impact of his death has already affected many of us greatly. Even more than that, the impact of his life touched lives immensely along the path that he traveled.

While I can't speak for others, I would like to share the direct impression that Reverend Ben Davis made on my life. Before I joined the family over 20 years ago, Ben had already made me feel at home and immediately made me realize that there was something special about him. It would take me hours of typing to cover each and every thing that he taught me, so I would like to share the most profound.

Ben was a Methodist minister. I grew up in an intensely Southern Baptist family. Very little difference really, but I didn't know that when I was younger. I grew up thinking that Methodists were foreign, which is funny now that I'm older, and what Ben taught me is that denominations mean very little.

Ben taught me that we are to love others as Christ loves us. Jesus befriended the lowly and invested in their lives. He spent time with people of all walks of life. Ben did the same. Whether it was intellectual conversation or a lighthearted joke, Ben invested in the person he was facing. He taught me that we are to love others even if they are different from us, and he taught me this by example. I never heard a judgmental word come from his mouth, and it was because he was humble enough to know that life is a level playing field for all of us. He also taught me that it was okay to be different and to have different opinions. In fact, he was always up for a good debate. I loved presenting my ideas to him only to have him offer his right back, because I knew he still loved and respected me and truly wanted to know where I stood individually on things. He was a conversationalist, and an enjoyable one at that.

Ben also taught me that it is my choice to have a good day or a bad day. He said a day in itself can't be good or bad, or neither can a situation. Instead, Ben said, it is our reaction to it that makes it good or bad. That was the psychologist in him I'm sure, but what wonderful words of wisdom. It became such a vital part of my life to consciously choose to have a good day each day, even despite the day itself. Sometimes I fail horribly at it, but it will always be embedded in my mind that I have that choice.

Ben was an example of living each moment of life. He hiked and canoed, and enjoyed the wonder of God's nature. He would take off with a group of people with just the backpack on his back and hike for days. I would venture to say that he could squeeze more life out of a day than anyone else I know. He shared, he cared, he listened, he counseled, and in the last days, he gave of himself to take care of the daily needs of his loving wife.

Hearing that Ben was gone drew the breath out of me. I immediately had a feeling of emptiness envelop me. Then I thought of his kiss on my cheek and his great big bear hug, and I had the picture of facing him with my groom on our wedding day. The amazing thing is that every time an image of him enters my mind, it's his gentle eyes and kind smile that stand out most. I'm not sure what it's going to be like not having Ben around, but his strong presence will never leave us. The wisdom he infused in my life will never be removed. There isn't another one like Ben Davis, and I only wish we had one more chance to tell him.

When I finally get to go somewhere...

I was going to start this entry with a waiver (Not meant to be disrespectful, blah, blah, blah...), but then I decided that the people reading it would totally get it anyway...

Once again, I get to hear about a trip. It's California again. Third time. "It's such a pain flying that far, wah,wah, wah..." Please. Give me a break. Anybody out there want to hop a plane to California with me? Can I see a show of hands?

When I was giantly pregnant with the twins, bedridden, I got to experience my first second hand trip to California. It was Hollywood the first time. L.A. I would be lying in bed, struggling to go to sleep, and I would get the call... "HEY, HONEY!! I'M AT THE DODGER GAME!! CAN YOU HEAR THAT CROWD? OH MY GOSH, YOU WOULD LOVE THIS!!" Or, I can't even walk around my living room, and I get the call... "HEY, HONEY!! GUESS WHERE I'M STANDING? I AM ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME IN FRONT OF MANN'S CHINESE THEATRE! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I WISH YOU COULD SEE IT!!" Or, I'm eating green beans for the fourth night in a row, and I get the call... "YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THIS FILET MIGNON AND SCALLOPS! I GOT THOSE JUST FOR YOU BECAUSE I KNOW THEY ARE YOUR FAVORITE! AND SUSHI! I ATE SUSHI BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WOULD WANT ME TO TRY IT!"

Okay, you get the picture. I have had second hand trips to L.A., San Francisco, Santa Anna (right now), Boston, Baltimore, Atlanta, Knoxville, somewhere in Kentucky ("HONEY, THE GRASS REALLY LOOKS BLUE!!"), and others that just won't come to me at this time. Next week, another one takes the cake.

Here's the call.... "HEY, HONEY! (YEP, STILL HONEY AFTER 20 YEARS) MAN, SANTA ANNA IS SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU WOULD LOVE THE PALM TREES AND THE TROPICAL FEEL. IT'S VERY 'HIGH END', FANCY. ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I GOT MY SCHEDULE FOR SAVANNAH. WE ARE STAYING AT THE HILTON ON THE RIVERWALK! DO YOU THINK THAT WILL BE NICE? I BET IT WILL BE NICE. YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHERE WE ARE EATING TUESDAY NIGHT! OUR LADY AND SONS! THAT'S PAULA DEEN'S PLACE! WEDNESDAY NIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO BUBBA'S SOMETHING OR ANOTHER, BUT TUESDAY! WOW!" (COMPLETELY UNAWARE THAT BUBBA'S IS PAULA'S BROTHER'S RESTAURANT...)

I'm pretty sure I gagged. In fact, I may have thrown up in my mouth a little. I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Okay, at this point I feel I have to waiver... I'm thrilled he gets to see it all... but dangit! One of these days!!

I want to see New York. To walk among the hustle and bustle just once, with an evening on Broadway, and seeing the Statue of Liberty would probably make me cry. I want to go to Chicago to see a Bulls game. I don't know why, because I don't care that much about the NBA any more, but I always wanted to see a Bulls game in Chicago. I would love to go to Los Angeles for many reasons. I have a cousin there, and I would like to see his band play in their "home" base, rocking my old self just once with Djinn. I have also wanted to be on the Price as Right as long as I can remember. Yep, I do realize that is lame. San Francisco would be so amazing, as I would finally get to ride on the streetcar along the hills, dining in ChinaTown. The fish markets of Seattle... the majesty of Niagara Falls... the beaches of the Florida panhandle... lobster in Maine... a bed and breakfast in Connecticut... And those are just a few in only these United States.

My foreign dreams include Tokyo and Beijing, Italy and Greece, Paris and London. Will I ever get there? I don't know, I really don't. I don't expect to, because deep down it feels selfish when I think of making it a reality. You see, any time my husband has called me from one of my dream places, someone else is paying for it. I don't see the state of South Carolina springing for that on my behalf, so I guess I'm on my own. Which, by the way, is why I'll dream big and start small. I hope to spend a day in Charlotte this summer.

A season of new beginnings...

It's a lovely time of year with the flowers blooming and the trees getting greener, and the symbolism of new beginnings catches my attention as I have changes in my own life. It has been amazing to see God work and bless me out of the blue, but that is usually how He works in my life.

Recovering from back surgery was kind of rough for a couple of weeks, and not only with the pain. Something happens to your mind when you are down and out physically, especially when you are used to being active. As I found myself homebound for a time, I began to grow uncomfortable with the thought of getting out and being active again. I'm working through it, and I'm thankful that God reminds me that fear is NOT from Him and NOT in my vocabulary.

I also ended up on temporary disability from my job while out with my back problems, and that was just a strange feeling. First of all, leaving a job that I had only been a part of for a few months was an uncomfortable position to be in. Second, the term "disability" messes with your mind. At 41, almost 42, years old, I just don't like to think of myself as disabled in any way, even if it's temporary.

So, the toll the surgery took on me was mental more than physical I believe, but fortunately I am spiritually sound. God is so good to me, and as I said, He blesses me right out of the blue and makes me laugh.

As I was recovering from my back problems, I received a call from someone that I highly respect, my former employer. She asked me if I would like to return to work there. Holy cow. A chance to go back home. I had left my job last October to work in a job that would challenge me, provide insurance for my family, and pay more to help support my family. It was difficult at times, but I'm up for a challenge and won't back down. God knew I was pooped and missing time with my kids, and He just decided to show off in an amazing way. It was difficult to think of letting down the people I would be leaving, but it was peaceful knowing that God had provided this opportunity for me to return to a place that I love. Circumstances were strange, but the reality is that I suddenly found myself making yet another change. I would love for those that I'm leaving behind to know that I appreciate their graciousness, welcoming me into their family, and that this move has everything to do with what is best for my family once again.

My hubby has a new job too which requires him to travel for training right now. It's so cool to know how I worried about what I would do about the girls while I worked nights and how God already had it handled. He just went above and beyond what I could expect. Ken is doing well in training this week, scoring amazingly well on the tests he is taking each day. He's excited to be entering into a new area of business, and we know that it is another blessing from God.

If I think real hard, I may just be able to mention a few more new beginnings, but I think I will let this be it for now. I have to dedicate more thought and time to writing more often, because the therapeutic value is immeasurable. For now, I am focusing on rehabilitation, strengthening, and stepping back into life, and I'm praising God that I'm going back home.

P.S. I want to humbly give a shout out to my peeps, as they have helped me beyond anything anyone deserves. I pray that God blesses each of you 100 fold, because you guys are the greatest.

Here goes nothin',

After 10 years of being basically healthy, I'm going under the knife. It's weird when I really think about it, so I'm trying not to!

I have ruptured a disk. I have no idea how it happened or when, but it happened. A fragment of the disk is now resting on the L5/S1 nerve root. I don't really know what that means except that I'm in constant pain, but it sounds professional of me, doesn't it? The doc says that although it's pretty bad, it could mend itself but would take possibly 6 months or more. I told him I didn't think I had 6 months to invest. I have four kids, a husband, a household, and a full time job. Does that sound like someone that has time to hurt for 6 months or more?

Everyone has advice, bless them, good and not so good. I finally told Ken that I wanted to just have my surgery alone and get over it without anyone interfering. For those of you who offered kind words, thank you. For those of you that said something horrible, I forgive you. For future reference, don't tell someone who is having back surgery under general anesthesia that your aunt had that same surgery and went into a coma, only waking up weeks later to realize she could no longer walk. I'm sure you just meant to be a blessing.

I have realized through the pain that I am tremendously blessed with some good friends. I've had offers of meals, transportation for the kids, and most importantly, prayers. God is so good. My family is wonderful, and I must brag on my husband and kids. Although he acts like it's killing him sometimes, my hubby has picked up so many loose ends and has been so very helpful. My girls? Gosh... I just can't say enough. They have done chore after chore, being asked and not being asked, and when I ask they don't balk one bit. Who raised these kids anyway? It's a time when I'm thankful to have 4 independent, well-adjusted daughters. Did I mention that God is so good?

So, now I head into the great unknown. I have a week to prepare. I think I will lie here. Well, that, and I'll boss the fam around to let them know what needs to be done before I go. They don't have much to worry with though, and the surgery will only be outpatient. If you have some encouraging words, thanks. If you have an unfortunate aunt, please keep that to yourself.

Ouch..

This has been the strangest week! It all started as a simple ache in my left hip, just a little over a week ago. By Sunday, I was pushing myself to go to church, but decided I couldn't teach my Junior High girls' class through tears. On my way to church, I called Ken to let him know I was dropping off the girls and returning home.

I was in a lot of discomfort by the time I got home. I just couldn't get comfortable at all. I knew that a visit to Dr. Hess was in store for Monday. It was the first doctor visit for me since 2009, so that tells you how rare it is for me to have to handle illness. This pain was reminiscent of my worst psoriatic arthritis flares, and actually even worse.

Dr. Hess immediately felt that I had a rotated pelvis and did a little therapy on me while suggesting some exercises. He gave me Lortab to help ease the pain until it subsided, and I went on my merry way.

Long story longer, I found myself Tuesday evening with intense pain down my leg with parts of my lower leg numb, and eventually no feeling at all in my foot. Walking was horrible, sitting was nearly impossible, and lying down was tolerable but still painful. It looked like another visit was in store for me.

Well, Wednesday Dr. Hess decided that it was time for an MRI. His main concern was the loss of strength in my leg and lack of feeling in my foot. He mentioned a bulging disk, threw out the words "spinal consult" and "surgery". I was relieved when he threw out the word "prednisone" because I knew that would bring some help for the swelling, hopefully easing the pain.

I'm hanging in there. Walking is the worst part. My leg gives out occassionally, and that's freaking me out a little. I'm not walking much though. Walking in pain is just too humbling and exhausting to do in public right now. I'm hoping for a simple explanation, pain relief, and the feeling back in my leg and foot. I look forward to getting back to life as usual next week, or so I hope. I trust that the Lord has it all under control, and there was a reason He wanted me to be still and listen to Him this week. I've tried my very best to take it all in, just so I don't miss anything that He may want me to catch.

Through all the pain, it's been restful and reflective. It's been really cool to have friends praying for me. I've had to let go of letting everyone down this week and having others pick up the slack, and I've had to just deal with things as best I can. My family is cool and tolerant, my friends are kind and encouraging, and my God is still in control. Now if I can just be still in that MRI machine....

Help!!

I've been robbed! It crept in like a thief in the night, and it robbed me. Right under my nose, it was gone in a flash. Something stole my joy.

I didn't even realize what had happened until my pastor pointed it out to me, along with the rest of the congregation, Sunday. It explained everything -- the exhaustion, the stress, the difficulty, the pain... It had been snatched right out from under my nose!

I am a joyful person. Anyone that has been around me for any amount of time sees that joy just naturally flows out of me. However, anyone who has been around me lately that really knows me, and you know who you are, could tell very quickly that I was straining to muster that joy up to the surface. When it isn't flowing out naturally, it takes a lot of work and takes a lot out of me.

I have been drained. I have been flat worn out. I have felt trapped by circumstances that really aren't that bad, but that have managed to take control of my life, sapping me of everything I have. It's almost like my hope had floundered, when in reality I lost my focus.

You see, our circumstances don't control our joy. I know this, but I needed to be reminded of it. Our happiness is many times dependent on our circumstances, although I am also a big believer in being in control of our happiness no matter what. Joy, on the other hand, comes from the Lord. It is a natural out-flowing of what He is doing in our lives. When we lose the focus of the bigger picture of what God has for us, we can let that joy slip deeper within us, almost as if it gets covered up by the other gunk in our lives. (And I, like most of you, have plenty of gunk.)

I have rarely allowed the gunk to take over. I am not a person who allows very much to take over the joy in my life. This has happened another time in my life when I was overwhelmed with moving to South Carolina, my health was bad, and I was trying to keep up with 4 small children without any help. This time, it has been more vague. It has been a slow culmination of things that have finally weighed me down. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back is my most recent exhaustion. Fortunately, God knew I needed a word, an out loud word, and I heard it loud and clear Sunday.

My hope has been renewed. My priorities have been re-shuffled. I am taking control back from the gunk, and I'm handing it back over to the Lord. I reset the security system of my life, and I'm not letting that robber steal my joy again.

There comes a time...

There is a time in everyone's life when something, or things, causes them to step back and reflect on where they have been and where they are going. At the risk of repeating myself, I am right there once again.

Several things have started coming together lately, or I at least feel like they are beginning to. Ken's job is good, he seems to be appreciated there, bills are being paid, and there is a sliver of hope that things are going to improve financially. (I may even get a car with air conditioning and heat within the next few weeks!) I have a new job, which I really enjoy other than the night shift thing, and I'm beginning to feel older (and comfortable with it) and somehow ready to move into another phase of my life, whatever that is.

With all of this, I have realized that I'm letting some things get by me, and I'm not really doing what I want to do with my life. My dream, for those that don't know me very well, is to write. The challenge has always been knowing how to take the first step. I was blessed enough to be a newspaper writer for a time a while back, and it was a real kick to see my name in print. It was more of a kick knowing that I was earning money, however little it was, doing something that I loved so much. Now, mind you, I love my job as a medical secretary, but writing is my passion. How many people get paid for doing what they are passionate about? Not very many. Why? Is it because they haven't tried? Is it because they let life keep them caught up in the cat and mouse game of making ends meet? Is it simply reserved for those who are passionate enough to actually make it happen?

Moreover, am I one of those that is passionate enough to make it happen? So far in my life, I've done very little to make anything happen, things just happen TO me or FOR me. (Which I'm grateful for.) What if I suddenly took life by the horns and MADE things happen? Now, if I just knew where to begin....