Happy Anniversary!

It was a cool and windy day 21 years ago, not a cloud in the sky. I was nervous, but not about the decision I had made or the trip down the aisle. I was not looking forward to being the center of attention. I understand the concept, but there is a part of me now that believes the sacred affair should be reserved for those closest to you.

We had a couple hundred of those closest to us. Friends, family, friends of family, and probably others.... Some who knew us, many who didn't. The church was packed from front to back and side to side. Quite an impressive and intimidating thought when I reflect these years later.

Luckily I didn't think of that when I was walking down the aisle. I was way too naive I guess, but all I wanted was to become Mrs. Kenneth Mauney. My focus was only on becoming his wife and doing what I knew God wanted me to do.

It was a great day, much like a dream. We rushed through the motions and finally sped away in the car, on our way to Asheville for our first time away together. We ordered pizza that night because we were starving and exhausted, and it ended up being an early night for us in spite of it being our sacred wedding night. (And it was totally sacred to us!)

The 21 years that have followed that night have also been much like a dream. At times it's been more nightmarish, but most times it's been a dream from which I wouldn't want to wake. When you build a life with someone, investing in each others' lives, rearing 4 children together, going through nearly losing 2 of them, sicknesses, taking care of each other through times of mourning, and generally sharing good days and bad, you get kind of attached to them. In fact, you become quite dependent on each other, loving unconditionally, partners for life.

I picture us in 21 years from now much like we are this moment... Ken watching television, I on the computer, the kids already having turned in for the night. To some it may sound sad, lame, or boring, but I so hope it's where we find ourselves in 21 years. It would be an honor to still be sharing the same space together, and I can't imagine my life without him. I am still proud to be Mrs. Kenneth Lee Mauney.

I'm not sure what happened...

Life happens. It sneaks up on us from behind, and it gooches us into the sudden awareness that, well, we need to be more aware.

Our lives can quickly get bogged down with day to day living, with errands and chores and work and play. One day, you turn around, and you just feel old.

I've been struggling a bit lately as I've started noticing lines on my face that weren't there a year ago and gray hairs that are harder and harder to cover with Miss Clairol. It's as if 42 years hit me all at once, and suddenly I'm standing in front of the mirror wondering where did time go?

Tomorrow I celebrate 21 years of marriage. I don't use the word "celebrate" lightly, because, doggonnitt, isn't it just a blessing to be able to spend 21 years loving the same person? Like my parents and grandparents before me, I take marriage very seriously, and I find it unfortunate that too many others do not. I truly believe that it's a reason for the state of the world we live in.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think every divorce has screwed up the kids involved. Some have grown stronger I'm sure. However, when selfishness seems to be the center of a split, the children truly become the victims. I see this every day at school. Kids screaming out for attention in one way or another. The cry for help I see in their faces is sometimes overwhelming. I wonder what their parents are thinking when they fight back and forth, pulling the children with them. I wonder how they justify dumping grown-up problems on 9 year old children. Just today, a beautiful young lady just spilled her guts to me, and it was obvious that she was in intense pain and unsure how to voice it to anyone. She ended up in tears, and I reassured her, but deep down, I just wasn't sure what I could say to bring that child's world back together.

When a wife tells a husband that he's useless when he loses a job and that she's worth more than him, kicking him to the curb for the next best thing to come along, she teaches her children to give up. She shows them when the going gets tough, the tough give up and move along. She's modeling to her child that love is conditional. I believe it leaves children wondering what they in turn have to do for mom to give up on them.

When a husband decides to go out drinking with his buddies, placing more importance on them than his own family, he leaves children feeling insecure. He makes them feel that they aren't good enough to get dad's attention. He teaches them that it doesn't matter how you treat your spouse as long as you eventually come home. Or, when he chooses instead to run off with the younger model, he once again makes his children feel that his own life is more important than they are, or that they have to be exceptional to garner his attention.

Darnit, why can't we model security and stability? Are we so screwed up in our society that we've forgotten the importance of it? Are we just so selfish that we don't care what it does to our children? Do we just decide that we are going to leave them fending for themselves, becoming whatever this world shapes them to be? Why are children being left to take care of themselves at such an early age? What kind of examples are we setting for our kids, or are we even concerned with setting any kind?

Kids are feeling so insecure and unstable these days that you can almost feel the pressure building inside them, and you can almost hear the steam escaping through silent screams. I think so much of the behavior problems we see today is just the bottling up of these emtions escaping in any way they can figure out. Their tiny little minds can't comprehend what they're feeling enough to express it, so they just act out in any way possible.

Gosh, my plan was to talk about how blessed I am to have been married to my best friend for 21 years, and how my parents and grandparents have modeled such great examples of endurance to me. I guess that little girl made an impression on me today. She just wanted her daddy. Nothing more, nothing less. Luckily, he stepped in, and the child I saw walk away with him was not the same dark-eyed girl I had been talking to before his arrival. If parents only knew what a difference they make, good or bad. I'd like to think our society would be a better place if parents would just think.

Wow, it's been a while...

I'm way overdue for this! So much water under the bridge since last I wrote, and the learning process over all of this time has been interesting. I think I'll jump right back in just like I haven't missed a beat.

First of all, before I really begin, my very human side would like to say that I'm sick and tired of people hurting each other and blowing by it like it's not a big deal. Yes, we are to forgive, but people in our world today are much too selfish and uncaring. Just because we stand for Christ doesn't mean we are doormats.

Hurt. Disappointed. Disillusioned. Devastated. Defeated. Insecure. Unhappy. Confused. Angry. Disgusted. The list could go on an on... I have felt all of these things in the past couple of weeks. In the midst of all of the wonderful exciting blessings of my life, stuff happens. It is interesting that it brought me to a realization.

Evil is alive and well in this world. When we are committed to doing the Lord's work, the enemy can use many things to try to defeat us. He even uses God's people sometimes. Christians become so complacent and think at times that we are above evil. Please. We are still human, and we can harm others before we even realize we're doing it. Subtle things creep into our lives and seep into the lives of others, and before we know it the enemy has won the battle. Thankfully, we as Christians have won the war.

I'm sure it sounds rather cryptic, but I have been reminded lately that humans are human, that Satan is real, and that as long as we are doing what is right in the eyes of the Lord, what others think doesn't matter. I have also been reminded that there are still Godly pastors out there, or at least one of them. I happen to think I have one of the best. He and his family are so special to me, and they have been wonderful friends to whom I can say pretty much anything. That's very cool, and I'm afraid in this messed up world that it's very rare.

I've also been reminded that my first calling is my family. I was called to be a wife and mother first and foremost, and many times I lose focus on that, all clothed in good intentions. I've also learned that discouragement seeps into your very soul, and that the words people say really hurt sometimes, even when they don't intend for them to. I know that people can get caught up in things without even realizing it, sadly. All in all, I've been reminded that God has plenty for me to do that is not conditional on anyone or anything. His calling is His calling. It's my job to stay focused on it. Now, enough of that. Let's move along to something else...

Until next time...

In memory...

Our family has lost a vital member. The impact of his death has already affected many of us greatly. Even more than that, the impact of his life touched lives immensely along the path that he traveled.

While I can't speak for others, I would like to share the direct impression that Reverend Ben Davis made on my life. Before I joined the family over 20 years ago, Ben had already made me feel at home and immediately made me realize that there was something special about him. It would take me hours of typing to cover each and every thing that he taught me, so I would like to share the most profound.

Ben was a Methodist minister. I grew up in an intensely Southern Baptist family. Very little difference really, but I didn't know that when I was younger. I grew up thinking that Methodists were foreign, which is funny now that I'm older, and what Ben taught me is that denominations mean very little.

Ben taught me that we are to love others as Christ loves us. Jesus befriended the lowly and invested in their lives. He spent time with people of all walks of life. Ben did the same. Whether it was intellectual conversation or a lighthearted joke, Ben invested in the person he was facing. He taught me that we are to love others even if they are different from us, and he taught me this by example. I never heard a judgmental word come from his mouth, and it was because he was humble enough to know that life is a level playing field for all of us. He also taught me that it was okay to be different and to have different opinions. In fact, he was always up for a good debate. I loved presenting my ideas to him only to have him offer his right back, because I knew he still loved and respected me and truly wanted to know where I stood individually on things. He was a conversationalist, and an enjoyable one at that.

Ben also taught me that it is my choice to have a good day or a bad day. He said a day in itself can't be good or bad, or neither can a situation. Instead, Ben said, it is our reaction to it that makes it good or bad. That was the psychologist in him I'm sure, but what wonderful words of wisdom. It became such a vital part of my life to consciously choose to have a good day each day, even despite the day itself. Sometimes I fail horribly at it, but it will always be embedded in my mind that I have that choice.

Ben was an example of living each moment of life. He hiked and canoed, and enjoyed the wonder of God's nature. He would take off with a group of people with just the backpack on his back and hike for days. I would venture to say that he could squeeze more life out of a day than anyone else I know. He shared, he cared, he listened, he counseled, and in the last days, he gave of himself to take care of the daily needs of his loving wife.

Hearing that Ben was gone drew the breath out of me. I immediately had a feeling of emptiness envelop me. Then I thought of his kiss on my cheek and his great big bear hug, and I had the picture of facing him with my groom on our wedding day. The amazing thing is that every time an image of him enters my mind, it's his gentle eyes and kind smile that stand out most. I'm not sure what it's going to be like not having Ben around, but his strong presence will never leave us. The wisdom he infused in my life will never be removed. There isn't another one like Ben Davis, and I only wish we had one more chance to tell him.

When I finally get to go somewhere...

I was going to start this entry with a waiver (Not meant to be disrespectful, blah, blah, blah...), but then I decided that the people reading it would totally get it anyway...

Once again, I get to hear about a trip. It's California again. Third time. "It's such a pain flying that far, wah,wah, wah..." Please. Give me a break. Anybody out there want to hop a plane to California with me? Can I see a show of hands?

When I was giantly pregnant with the twins, bedridden, I got to experience my first second hand trip to California. It was Hollywood the first time. L.A. I would be lying in bed, struggling to go to sleep, and I would get the call... "HEY, HONEY!! I'M AT THE DODGER GAME!! CAN YOU HEAR THAT CROWD? OH MY GOSH, YOU WOULD LOVE THIS!!" Or, I can't even walk around my living room, and I get the call... "HEY, HONEY!! GUESS WHERE I'M STANDING? I AM ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME IN FRONT OF MANN'S CHINESE THEATRE! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I WISH YOU COULD SEE IT!!" Or, I'm eating green beans for the fourth night in a row, and I get the call... "YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THIS FILET MIGNON AND SCALLOPS! I GOT THOSE JUST FOR YOU BECAUSE I KNOW THEY ARE YOUR FAVORITE! AND SUSHI! I ATE SUSHI BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WOULD WANT ME TO TRY IT!"

Okay, you get the picture. I have had second hand trips to L.A., San Francisco, Santa Anna (right now), Boston, Baltimore, Atlanta, Knoxville, somewhere in Kentucky ("HONEY, THE GRASS REALLY LOOKS BLUE!!"), and others that just won't come to me at this time. Next week, another one takes the cake.

Here's the call.... "HEY, HONEY! (YEP, STILL HONEY AFTER 20 YEARS) MAN, SANTA ANNA IS SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU WOULD LOVE THE PALM TREES AND THE TROPICAL FEEL. IT'S VERY 'HIGH END', FANCY. ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I GOT MY SCHEDULE FOR SAVANNAH. WE ARE STAYING AT THE HILTON ON THE RIVERWALK! DO YOU THINK THAT WILL BE NICE? I BET IT WILL BE NICE. YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHERE WE ARE EATING TUESDAY NIGHT! OUR LADY AND SONS! THAT'S PAULA DEEN'S PLACE! WEDNESDAY NIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO BUBBA'S SOMETHING OR ANOTHER, BUT TUESDAY! WOW!" (COMPLETELY UNAWARE THAT BUBBA'S IS PAULA'S BROTHER'S RESTAURANT...)

I'm pretty sure I gagged. In fact, I may have thrown up in my mouth a little. I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Okay, at this point I feel I have to waiver... I'm thrilled he gets to see it all... but dangit! One of these days!!

I want to see New York. To walk among the hustle and bustle just once, with an evening on Broadway, and seeing the Statue of Liberty would probably make me cry. I want to go to Chicago to see a Bulls game. I don't know why, because I don't care that much about the NBA any more, but I always wanted to see a Bulls game in Chicago. I would love to go to Los Angeles for many reasons. I have a cousin there, and I would like to see his band play in their "home" base, rocking my old self just once with Djinn. I have also wanted to be on the Price as Right as long as I can remember. Yep, I do realize that is lame. San Francisco would be so amazing, as I would finally get to ride on the streetcar along the hills, dining in ChinaTown. The fish markets of Seattle... the majesty of Niagara Falls... the beaches of the Florida panhandle... lobster in Maine... a bed and breakfast in Connecticut... And those are just a few in only these United States.

My foreign dreams include Tokyo and Beijing, Italy and Greece, Paris and London. Will I ever get there? I don't know, I really don't. I don't expect to, because deep down it feels selfish when I think of making it a reality. You see, any time my husband has called me from one of my dream places, someone else is paying for it. I don't see the state of South Carolina springing for that on my behalf, so I guess I'm on my own. Which, by the way, is why I'll dream big and start small. I hope to spend a day in Charlotte this summer.

A season of new beginnings...

It's a lovely time of year with the flowers blooming and the trees getting greener, and the symbolism of new beginnings catches my attention as I have changes in my own life. It has been amazing to see God work and bless me out of the blue, but that is usually how He works in my life.

Recovering from back surgery was kind of rough for a couple of weeks, and not only with the pain. Something happens to your mind when you are down and out physically, especially when you are used to being active. As I found myself homebound for a time, I began to grow uncomfortable with the thought of getting out and being active again. I'm working through it, and I'm thankful that God reminds me that fear is NOT from Him and NOT in my vocabulary.

I also ended up on temporary disability from my job while out with my back problems, and that was just a strange feeling. First of all, leaving a job that I had only been a part of for a few months was an uncomfortable position to be in. Second, the term "disability" messes with your mind. At 41, almost 42, years old, I just don't like to think of myself as disabled in any way, even if it's temporary.

So, the toll the surgery took on me was mental more than physical I believe, but fortunately I am spiritually sound. God is so good to me, and as I said, He blesses me right out of the blue and makes me laugh.

As I was recovering from my back problems, I received a call from someone that I highly respect, my former employer. She asked me if I would like to return to work there. Holy cow. A chance to go back home. I had left my job last October to work in a job that would challenge me, provide insurance for my family, and pay more to help support my family. It was difficult at times, but I'm up for a challenge and won't back down. God knew I was pooped and missing time with my kids, and He just decided to show off in an amazing way. It was difficult to think of letting down the people I would be leaving, but it was peaceful knowing that God had provided this opportunity for me to return to a place that I love. Circumstances were strange, but the reality is that I suddenly found myself making yet another change. I would love for those that I'm leaving behind to know that I appreciate their graciousness, welcoming me into their family, and that this move has everything to do with what is best for my family once again.

My hubby has a new job too which requires him to travel for training right now. It's so cool to know how I worried about what I would do about the girls while I worked nights and how God already had it handled. He just went above and beyond what I could expect. Ken is doing well in training this week, scoring amazingly well on the tests he is taking each day. He's excited to be entering into a new area of business, and we know that it is another blessing from God.

If I think real hard, I may just be able to mention a few more new beginnings, but I think I will let this be it for now. I have to dedicate more thought and time to writing more often, because the therapeutic value is immeasurable. For now, I am focusing on rehabilitation, strengthening, and stepping back into life, and I'm praising God that I'm going back home.

P.S. I want to humbly give a shout out to my peeps, as they have helped me beyond anything anyone deserves. I pray that God blesses each of you 100 fold, because you guys are the greatest.

Here goes nothin',

After 10 years of being basically healthy, I'm going under the knife. It's weird when I really think about it, so I'm trying not to!

I have ruptured a disk. I have no idea how it happened or when, but it happened. A fragment of the disk is now resting on the L5/S1 nerve root. I don't really know what that means except that I'm in constant pain, but it sounds professional of me, doesn't it? The doc says that although it's pretty bad, it could mend itself but would take possibly 6 months or more. I told him I didn't think I had 6 months to invest. I have four kids, a husband, a household, and a full time job. Does that sound like someone that has time to hurt for 6 months or more?

Everyone has advice, bless them, good and not so good. I finally told Ken that I wanted to just have my surgery alone and get over it without anyone interfering. For those of you who offered kind words, thank you. For those of you that said something horrible, I forgive you. For future reference, don't tell someone who is having back surgery under general anesthesia that your aunt had that same surgery and went into a coma, only waking up weeks later to realize she could no longer walk. I'm sure you just meant to be a blessing.

I have realized through the pain that I am tremendously blessed with some good friends. I've had offers of meals, transportation for the kids, and most importantly, prayers. God is so good. My family is wonderful, and I must brag on my husband and kids. Although he acts like it's killing him sometimes, my hubby has picked up so many loose ends and has been so very helpful. My girls? Gosh... I just can't say enough. They have done chore after chore, being asked and not being asked, and when I ask they don't balk one bit. Who raised these kids anyway? It's a time when I'm thankful to have 4 independent, well-adjusted daughters. Did I mention that God is so good?

So, now I head into the great unknown. I have a week to prepare. I think I will lie here. Well, that, and I'll boss the fam around to let them know what needs to be done before I go. They don't have much to worry with though, and the surgery will only be outpatient. If you have some encouraging words, thanks. If you have an unfortunate aunt, please keep that to yourself.