Post script...

After re-reading my previous blog several times, I felt I needed to clarify a few things. Darnit, there I go guilting myself again...



My feeling of suddenly needing to take care of myself does not mean at all that I'm becoming selfish in my obligations to others. I just feel that I'm actually setting a bad example in not valuing myself and my time, and I really need to do better at that. I don't want my daughters to grow up feeling obligated to everyone and martyring themselves for those around them, so I have to do a better job of taking care of me.



I also realize that 18, 15, and 10 years old are not grown up ages of children. I mean, I'm still Mom, but I need to tweak what that now means in the lives of my kids. As for my husband, he's a big kid for sure, but he's still my husband. I couldn't change him 20 years ago when we got married, and he couldn't change me, and neither of us have that power today. God is God, and all of that stuff is His job.



Next, the young people that I spoke of will always be so precious to me, and I will be there in a heartbeat when they need me. I simply feel that they have lots of Godly support now, and that blesses my heart beyond explanation. It's a God thing for sure, but nothing could ever change this motherly love and protectiveness that I have for them both. (You know who you are!) They are my family too.



Now, the main thing that I was trying to get across is that I have to quit trying to do things on my own power, because somewhere along the way I took over things from God that I had previously given to Him. That's not cool at all. I have to focus more on God Himself instead of what is going on around me or what I think He may want me to do. Fact is, if I keep my eyes on Him, I will see what He wants me to do. I'm just thankful that God is a God of love and forgiveness, and that He's up there laughing at me right now, but lovingly. He knows that I'm trying and making progress, and He's ready with His arms open wide to take back what is rightly His. I just have to release it and let Him handle it, and I have to rely on His power. I have to do a better job at casting my cares upon Him. I also need to rediscover my joy and quit letting things around me steal it away from me.

Maybe if I get things straight soon, I can write some lighthearted, whimsical goofy stuff for all to enjoy. It's in here somewhere, it's just been bogged down for a while. Thank you, Lord for removing all this "schtuff" so that I can bask in the joy and share it. There, I feel better already.

Some things I've learned this Summer...

I sure hope to get back to regular blogging soon, because it's almost like it's all clogged up in my brain and screaming to get out! I keep saying I'll pick up a notebook when I can't get to the computer, but it never does happen. I have learned some things this Summer.... Some that I'm glad I learned, and others have been harder to swallow. I'll try to share a few here and there as I think of them.

First of all, I need to get a life. I have lived everyone else's lives my whole life with some kind of guilt complex that I'm going to damage someone else if I do something for myself. This is a huge revelation mind you, and it could very well be life-changing for a lot of people. I am so immersed in what everyone is doing around me, I have forgotten that I am an individual that has needs of my own that have to be tended to. I can't count on anyone else to do it, so I must do it myself.

What does this mean? Well, I have to set a better example by not worrying so much about being an example. I have been so concerned with setting a Godly example that I haven't allowed God to be God at times. How dare I think that I can be so Godly that others can look at me as an example. What I have missed is that I have to be so reliant on God that THAT IS my example. There really is a lot of freedom in this thought, and it releases me to be human. It still leaves me a little bit afraid of messing up and disappointing someone, but I think I'm at a point in my life that God is trying to help me take that leap of faith.

It also means that my kids have to grow up. Jordan is almost 18, Lauren is almost 15, and Cassie and Kylie will be there before I know it. Yes, they need me, but in a different way now than they did when they were 4, 5, or 6 years old. They have to fight their own battles. They have to learn what it means to make choices. They have to rely on their faith, at least for Jordan and Lauren, to see where their lives are going. I recently had a situation where I stepped in where I wasn't really needed. It was a weak moment in my faith I believe, for if I would have relied on my faith I would have already known that everything was fine, God had it handled and in His plan, and everything was going to work out to what He has in mind.

Another meaning of this is that my husband has to be a grown man. Much my fault, he is reliant on me in many ways that aren't my responsibility. When I say it's my fault, I mean that I have facilitated this way of thinking. I simply need to be a wife, a partner, and a friend, and not a parent to the biggest kid in my house. I fell in love with that same big kid that now drives me nuts sometimes, and I almost took on an instant mothering role when we married. He has a mother, and I'm not her, and I should find some rest in that.

Here again, I feel released from an obligation, and I mean that in the very gentlest and loving sense of the word. I have a protective mothering instinct that sometimes gets in the way of my faith. An example of that is how I feel so moved to support others. This is not a bad thing, and there are those that I will support until the day I die. Funny, a couple of people come to mind, both much younger than I, and one of them I kind of released years ago. I still love this person dearly, but he is busy in serving God and doing what he has been called to do with a sweet wife by his side. The other one has been a more recent process, and a slow one, but while my motherly love is still strong for this person, I am so thankful that God now has moved him into a place that he has a beautiful, strong wife and a very loving family surrounding him so that he can also serve the Lord to his fullest potential. In all of this, I really have trusted God in His best for both of these young people, but realizing that they are not my responsibility was sad at first to my selfish self, and now it is an opportunity for me to simply move into what God wants for me now. God did use me in their lives I believe, and this means that it wasn't anything I did on my own. God is still working in their lives, and for this I am so thankful. It's a wonderful feeling to be a part of God's plan in the growth of others, and it's a weird feeling to know that it's time for God to release me from that and now grow me in some way.

So, now that I've realized all of these things, what next? I don't really have the answer to this. I sit on the cusp of something that God has in mind for my life. I'm having a difficult time making decisions right now, because I am in one of those different places that leaves me unsure of what God wants me to currently do. Do I teach Sunday School, or do I not? Do I return to pursue my college degree, or do I not? Will I be able to continue in the job that I love, or will I have to take a look at other opportunities? Do I keep on the same path I'm on? Nope. Of that I am sure. I just hope I am sure of the path that I do need to be on very soon. In the meantime, I'll float around waiting on God to move.

Hmm...

Haven't been here in quite a while, as you see, and I don't have a real good explanation why. You would think with the Summer off, I would just find loads of time to talk about wonderful and awesome things, but instead I have found myself in what some would call a "funk". My mind seems to be cloudy, and I'm quite tired all the time. Stress maybe? I just can't imagine.

I revert back to the mission trip... They are always life changing experiences. It's a week on a high, serving Jesus with everything you've got, surrounded by others serving Jesus with everything they've got, and immersed in God all the way around. You vow before leaving that things will be different when you get home, but then you get home. Nothing is different.

There is still laundry to do, meals to cook, housework, children arguing, money worries, schedules to keep, and people to please. You may have a different outlook, but you are no longer surrounded by people with that different outlook. You are now back in the real world, with real world problems. It's like suddenly the world has shifted on its axis.

I thought I was prepared for this, and I even spent time in prayer about it in the days before leaving the mission trip. I begged the Lord to just give me the ability to bring what I learn home. I asked him to let me return to a peaceful world. Also, because I'm not at all naive, I prayed that God would give me wisdom and strength to deal with it all when I did return.

I've struggled though. I am so very thankful for what I have and the loved ones in my life, and I never want that to be questioned at all. It's just hard to crash from that high of just seeing the Lord work constantly throughout 7 days dedicated to sharing Him with others. It must be much like coming down from the high of a drug. I have no idea what that is like, but it couldn't be much different from what I'm going through.

My legs feel heavier. I sleep hard and for long periods. I smile less frequently. I easily become emotional. I frequently feel lonely. I can't imagine anyone else understanding the feeling.

Don't ever think that I'm unhappy to return to my family. I truly don't know what I'd do without the joy and love of my children. I just long to be closer to Him again. I long for that peace that I felt when I closed the door to that prayer room. I wish for that high that I felt when I was loving someone in Jesus' name. I listen for the joyful voices all around me laughing, sharing that common bond of ministry. Instead, I slowly reenter the society of busyness. I take a deep breath and press on through the daily grind. I close my eyes to pray at night, only to fall asleep from the exhaustion of parenthood.

How do we continue in that joy of immersion in the Spirit of the Lord? How do we muster the energy to do what we're called to do in addition to our day to day life? God is showing me, and I am listening. So, if I'm not blogging, just know that when I've trudged through all of this, there should be a blog or two (or a hundred) on the other side of it.

Myth #2: The church is dead.

New River Baptist Church struck me as being a dead church. I would soon find out that I was wrong.

One must first know what a church truly is. Some think it is a building which houses a body of believers, but in reality it is the body of believers themselves. On Sunday morning of our trip to West Virginia, we worshipped with our team and only about 7 people of the New River congregation. The actual membership of the church is only around 15 I think.

There wasn't a lot of evident life in the people we met. They were very friendly and welcoming, but we weren't sure that they understood our spiky haired youth minister or the praise music we sang. (I so wanted to type "minister" instead. Just a little inside joke.) That Sunday morning, New River came to life however, and the presence of the Holy Spirit was definitely felt.

As the week progressed, New River Baptist teemed with life. Sillyness abounded, but so did major spiritual growth and ministry, and the church was living and breathing. While the congregation didn't get us necessarily, I believe Pastor George did, and we left better people because of what God did in our lives there.

Although the small congregation was sluggish, I probably misjudged them as a group as I many times do. If my original thought was correct, the great news is that they opened their building to us and welcomed us to stay there and assist with their ministry. They allowed us free access to whatever we needed. They prayed with us and for us, and they graciously sat through our upbeat praise music and humored our spiky haired youth minister. (Who happens to be one of the most dynamic preachers I've ever heard.) They tolerated our youth, and they provided a place of peace and rest for us that allowed us to minister to others as well as grow as individuals and as a group.

So, New River Baptist Church may only have 8 people this Sunday. (I'm hoping Marlana will be well enough to join Clarence.) They may sing hymns from their hymnals, and Pastor George (who I respect so much as I've mentioned already) will present a message that they will find acceptable. (And he doesn't really have enough hair to spike up.) Members will not refer to him as "Pastor" while making air quotes. I pray they will instead respect his leadership. I also expect that there will be another load of teens with leaders piling in for a stay this week, and the next week, and the next, and they will also be graciously hosted and inspired.

New River Church is teeming with life as we speak, because God is at work there. My prayer is that each mission team that walks through the doors will leave an impression of God's love on that small congregation. I pray that they will leave changed as we did, and that the people that they meet will see Jesus in them. I pray that Clarence and Marlana, who will be the subject of my next blog I'm sure, will be blessed beyond measure and that God will continue to use them. I pray that New River Baptist Church will grow and thrive and reach others for Christ. God, please bless New River Baptist Church and the people of Fayetteville, West Virginia.

Where do I start?

Quoting Kelsey Dukes, "You can't judge a book by it's cover." She used that line 3 nights in a row, but it didn't sink in to us so quickly.

I guess I'll start with Pastor George. Picture Popeye without the pipe and tattoos. (Minus the spinach too of course.) Captain George would have seemed more fitting, but we called him Pastor George nonetheless. He is in his 70s, and the more I was around him, the more impressed I was that he is a man with a vision and a mission.

The first thing that I noticed is that 24 people bunking down in his church didn't phase him. He stepped over hair dryers, straighteners, sleeping bags, air mattresses, pillows, and goodness knows what else without flinching. He joked around with the teenagers as well as us adults, and he didn't miss one beat with any of us. He went with the flow with the rest of us, and my previous misconceptions began to fade.

As we worked our backyard Bible clubs at the apartment complex, it was soon evident that most everyone knew Pastor George and respected him highly. This was a man that had been very present among the people there, and he had made an impact on many lives in that area.

When we went downtown to do our prayer walk the first day, the mention of our host church immediately brought a glow to the faces of people as they said, "Oh yes, we know Pastor George." One place, a recently renovated mission project intended to be an after school teen hangout, had been entirely painted by, you guessed it, Pastor George. I was beginning to realize that this man that I had thought of as an elderly gentleman settling in as pastor of a dying church was actually a visionary ministering to a hurting and lost community.

Pastor George taught me a lot through the week, and at one point I asked him to share with the group what he had told me. He was humbled I believe, and he acted as if he was surprised that we would want to hear from little ol' him. He blew us away with his encouragement and stories.

The first one that hit me so hard, and continues to affect me each day, is a story he shared relating to the New River Gorge. Apparently, Pastor George lives on a knoll overlooking the gorge, which is one of the (if not THE) most beautiful places I have ever seen in my life. He said that he and his wife were sitting on their deck that morning, and he told her, "If I was to pinch a sliver of leaf off of one of those trees, there is no way in the world someone who had never seen this gorge could even get a small picture of what it is like." He continued to tell me that in the same way, we look at this one tiny week of ministry and expect to see the entire plan of God's Big Picture. He said that there is no way we could even imagine what God's big plan is just by seeing this snapshot of time, but that what we were doing was an integral part of the puzzle that God was creating. Wow.

Pastor George also told us that he learned a lot from his dad. One of the things he shared was work ethic. He relayed the story that his dad once told him of a manager needing 100 men to move a load of dirt. He said that the men would work hard, a few would drop out, and at the end of the day everyone would get paid their part of a set wage. He said that if you take that same hundred men and tell them to move a load of manure, you would immediately lose a few men. He said an hour later, hot and smelly, you would lose more men. He then said that hours later, you would be left with only a small portion of the workforce with which you began. At the end of the day, only the best few would be standing. He continued by saying that no matter what job you are given to do, you are to do it to the best of your ability, with all the joy in your heart, and that you will be rewarded in the end for your work.

Wow, Pastor George. You just can't imagine the impact you had on my life and the lives of our team members. Simple words that renewed our spirits, and it left us refreshed to continue the work that God had laid before us.

This was misconception number one, destroyed. Pastor George is a man of God. He's a visionary who was way ahead of his time. He's a pastor, teacher, leader, and servant. His heart is filled with joy and love, and he is a fine example of what Jesus expects us to be. In fact, I saw Jesus all over Pastor George, and I count it a privilege to have worked alongside him.

Wow, it's been a while!

This will be the first of many blogs about our recent trip to West Virginia. This first one will be an introduction to what we experienced.

We arrived in Fayetteville, West Virginia Saturday with great hopes of just winning person after person to Christ. We were on fire and ready to ignite a town that we knew was only 20% churched. We had a well-prepared team of many first time mission trippers just sitting on go to share the Gospel. After settling in to New River Baptist Church, figuring out how to arrange 24 people on air mattress while keeping boys separated from girls and not destroying everything, we woke up to a church service with the congregation Sunday morning.

The congregation consisted of a group of 7 people, including the pastor, pastor's wife, and pastor's mother. Pastor George at first sight is an unusual character who prompted me to want to call him Captain for some reason. (He looks like a sea captain without the tattoos.) He was very friendly, but we really didn't get a true sense of who he is until the week went on.

We judged this congregation immediately as being dead, wondering what in the world the pastor was doing to have a church not growing. What we would eventually learn was an eye-opener. The next thing that we found was that the apartment complex we were working with had been largely reached with the Good News already.

Long story short, our hopes were temporarily dashed. Although the kids were still fired up to get going, the adult leaders were beginning to wonder what we were doing there. We didn't know, but God sure did.

Sooooo relaxed....

So after a couple of weeks of nearly drowning, almost choking, and burning myself with boiling liquid, I decided it was time to relax...

You would think that simply being out of work for 10 weeks of the Summer would be an instant relaxation. It isn't. Work is still in your head, and it takes a bit to wind down from what you've been through for the rigorous months of the school year. I think I finally started relaxing today. I'm not sure why, but I think it may just be the fact that I realized that I need to.

I got up this morning and got ready to head to the church. I'm getting ready for a mission trip to West Virginia. The week after that we have Vacation Bible School. The weekend that ends, we are heading to North Carolina to join my brother's church in doing backyard Bible clubs in their community. When I shared this with Ken, he said, "Don't overdo it this Summer." My first thought was, "Am I overdoing it already?" My next thought was actually a laugh.

These things are not work for me. They are things that I long to do every day of my life. If I could get paid to do something other than what I do right now, that's what I would want to do. The fact that I can get out and meet people and share the Gospel with them for three weeks straight is overwhelmingly wonderful!

I can sleep late each day, hang out at the pool during the day, and chill in my off times. In West Virginia, I will run on pure adrenaline all week and sleep fitfully on the church floor each night. When I get home and set into VBS, I will sleep late once again, hang out at the pool, and leisurely head to church to teach the little children. And as far as heading to North Carolina is concerned, I can't imagine a greater opportunity than working with my brother and his family in ministering to others!

So, my June may sound crazy to some people in my life, but there is nothing I want more than to serve the Lord and follow His call. Sometimes when we are working full time and taking care of a family of 6, we tend to not have extra time for anything at all. This Summer will give me time to spend quality time with my family, and in addition, share the love of Christ with people from South Carolina to North Carolina to West Virginia. I just can't imagine a better way to relax.